Prompt: The Princess Bride
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Doctor/Tosh, Andy/Donna, Rhys/Kathy, Mickey/Martha, John/Owen, Wilf/Estelle, Gwen, Mica, Steven, Wilf,
Spoilers: The whole movie of The Princess Bride
Warnings: Attempts at suicide and character deaths
Word Count: 18,884
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood, Doctor Who or the movie the Princess bride.
Summary: Grandpa Wilf tells his grandkids an interesting story.
Prince John and his men had reached the hilltop.
“He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp,” John informed his fellow riders, urging his horse on.
At the bottom of the hill near a gully laid a mask-less Ianto, with Jack resting upon his chest.
Jack drank in the sight of his lost love, so grateful that Ianto had lost his mask on the way down.
“Can you move at all?” Ianto asked, scanning Jack’s body for injures.
A true smile lit across Jack face. “Move? You’re alive! If you want, I can fly.” For the first time since hearing of Ianto’s “death”, Jack felt truly alive.
Ianto smiled at his love as he stroked Jack’s cheek. “I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?” Ianto couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice that Jack would have such little faith in him.
Jack hated to hear the hurt in Ianto’s tone and tried to explain himself. “Well, you were dead,” he explained himself badly.
“Death can not stop True Love. All it can do is delay it for a while,” Ianto told Jack.
Jack leaned in closer. “I will never doubt again,” he vowed with his mouth inches from Ianto’s.
“There will never be a need,” Ianto whispered before the two reunited lovers shared their first kiss again.
Steven scrunched up his nose. “Aw, no, no please,” he begged.
Wilf looked up from his book. “What is it? What’s the matter?” he asked, concerned.
“They’re kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part? Skip on to the Fire Swamp. That sounded good,” Steven demanded.
“No, Grandpa, I like the kissing part.” Mica pouted.
Wilf felt torn. “Well, let’s humour your brother for now; I’ll make it up to you later. Okay, sweetie?”
Mica gave a soft nod.
Wilf picked up his book and skipped past the kissing part, “Ah, here we are, Ianto and Jack raced along the ravine floor.”
Ianto and Jack raced across the ravine floor and ahead of them looms the dark of the Fire Swamp.
As Ianto led the way, he kept a tight grip on Jack’s hand; he was not going to lose his love a second time. “Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we’ll be safe in the fire swamp.” Ianto happily told Jack as he looked up and saw the search party on the ridge.
Jack didn’t share Ianto’s cheerfulness. “We’ll never survive,” he told Ianto.
Ianto merely smiled at Jack, “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has,” he cheerfully called back.
Jack moved closer to Ianto as they entered the Fire Swamp; he already hated it here.
“It’s not that bad,” Ianto commented to Jack, only for Jack to give Ianto a disbelieving look. “Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely,” Ianto said, gesturing to the trees.
Jack just gave his love a fond look.
They walked for quite a bit without any trouble, until a series of thumping noises approached Jack. A Flame Spout appeared beside him shortly after.
Jack would deny it later, but he let out a frightened, girly scream as his pants caught on fire. Ianto was immediately at Jack’s side and quickly smothered out the flame.
Ianto grinned at Jack. “Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.
Jack shook his in the head negative. “You?” he asked
Ianto also shook his head negatively. “Well, one thing I will say. The Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will soon all be but a happy memory.” Ianto looked ahead. “Roberts’ ship Revenge and waits at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.”
This was something that had been bothering Jack since he learned his beloved Ianto was alive. “But how is that possible, since he’s been marauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?” he asked.
A distant look overcame Ianto’s face. “I myself am often surprised at life’s quirks. See, what I told you before about saying ‘please’ was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said ‘All right Ianto, I’ve never had a valet, you can try if you’d like. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ Three years he said that. ‘Good night Ianto. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.” Ianto trailed off there.
Jack didn’t want the story to end; he wanted to hear how his loveable Ianto became the Dread Pirate Roberts. “What? Go on,” he demanded.
Ianto couldn’t help but pull Jack close; that was his love, impatient as always. “Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret.
‘I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,’ he said. ‘My name is Andy. I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit if from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Roberts either. His name was Tommy. The real Roberts has been retired for fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia.’
“Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Ianto. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed onboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we’re together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?” Ianto asked.
Jack nodded, but there was doubt in him, how could Ianto give up the life as a pirate for someone like him? Who would give up on their love and agree to marry another that they had no feelings for?
Jack took a step and unknowingly walked right into a patch of lightning sand and promptly disappeared.
“Jack!” Ianto cried as he cut a nearby vine and dove in after him.
Several heart pounding moments passed before Ianto and Jack broke the surface of the sandpit.
Coughing and gasping for air, Jack held onto Ianto as the other man pulled them to safety.
Once on solid ground, Jack glanced at Ianto. “We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here,” he cried.
Ianto couldn’t help but chuckle at Jack’s overdramatic outburst. “No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurt, which are no problem; there is a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that, too,” Ianto counted off on his fingers.
Jack still looked doubtful. “But Ianto, what about the R.O.U.Ses?” he asked.
Ianto raised an eyebrow, a look that usually had Jack jumping the younger man. “Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist,” Ianto said with a shrug.
Of course, as soon as Ianto finished speaking a large R.O.U.S appeared and pounced on him.
A scream of pain escaped Ianto’s lips as the creature latched on.
“Ianto!” Jack could only watch on helplessly as Ianto fought for his life.
Ianto and the R.O.U.S. fought upon the ground, Ianto somehow managing to keep the giant rodent away from his neck, which was no easy task. But hope came as Ianto heard a familiar pooping sound. Taking a chance, he rolled the rodent over onto the erupting flame spurt, igniting the fur of the rodent. Climbing to his feet, Ianto grabbed his sword and stabbed the rodent.
A horrible screeching noise escaped the creature before it twitched and took its last breath.
Much later, Jack and Ianto finally exited the Fire Swamp, coming into a lightly wooded area.
Smiling, Jack flung his arms around Ianto. “We did it.”
Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack. “Now, was that so terrible?” he asked, grinning at the man in his arms. Their eyes locked and their heads drifted towards one another, both seeking another kiss.
Only for their moment to be ruined by the sound of horses.
Pulling away from Jack, Ianto tugged Jack behind him and pulled out his sword in a defensive step.
Prince John sat regally upon his horse. “Surrender!” he ordered.
Ianto smiled. “You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept,” Ianto told him.
John felt his lips twitch; this man was very foolish or very brave. “I give you full marks for bravery. Don’t make yourself a fool,” he told Ianto.
“Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit,” Ianto told John a dangerous tone in his voice.
John was through playing nice. “I tell you once again, surrender!” he growled.
“It will not happen,” Ianto growled back.
“For the last time, surrender,” John roared.
“Death first!” Ianto would never surrender, and neither would the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Jack shoved himself forward. “Will you promise not to hurt him?” he demanded to know from John.
“What was that?” John asked, unsure he heard right.
“What was that?” Ianto echoed John, not believing what he was hearing.
Jack looked at John, not daring to glance at Ianto, knowing if he did, he could not go through with this. “If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?” he asked.
“May I live a thousand years and never hunt again,” John vowed.
Jack nodded. “He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship,” he pleaded.
John looked solemnly as he promised. “I swear it will be done.”
Once Jack turned back to Ianto, John leaned over and whispered to Owen. “Once we’re out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair,” he ordered.
“I swear it will be done,” Owen vowed to his prince.
While this was being plotted, Jack had to face a heartbroken and betrayed Ianto. “I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you,” Jack explained, trying in vain to keep the tears from falling.
Ianto could only watch as John rode up and helped Jack onto the back of his horse.
Owen came up to Ianto’s side. “Come, sir, we must get you to your ship,” he told Ianto.
Ianto turned to face Owen. “We are men of action. Lies do not become us.” Ianto was no fool; there was no way that John would let him make it back to his ship alive.
Owen smirked. “Well spoken, sir.” He couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as he noticed Ianto staring at his hand. “What is it?” he asked.
“You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone has been looking for you,” Ianto told Owen, thinking fondly of the brave Tosh.
Owen glared at Ianto before knocking him out with the hilt of his sword.