Prompt: The Princess Bride
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Doctor/Tosh, Andy/Donna, Rhys/Kathy, Mickey/Martha, John/Owen, Wilf/Estelle, Gwen, Mica, Steven, Wilf,
Spoilers: The whole movie of The Princess Bride
Warnings: Attempts at suicide and character deaths
Word Count: 18,884
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood, Doctor Who or the movie the Princess bride.
Summary: Grandpa Wilf tells his grandkids an interesting story.
“Well, the Satos have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Rhys, bring the body,” Tosh ordered.
Rhys blinked at Tosh. “The body?” he questioned her.
“Have you any money?” Tosh asked Rhys as he picked up the man in black.
“I have a little,” Rhys informed her.
“I just hope it is enough to buy a miracle, that is all,” Tosh muttered under her breath as she and Rhys exited the Pit of Despair with Ianto’s body thrown over Rhys’ shoulder.
Tosh led Rhys to a lone hut in the forest. After several sharp knocks from Tosh’s fist, the door opened to reveal a man’s.
“Go away. What, what?” the man demanded.
“Are you the Doctor who worked for the king all those years?” Tosh asked the handsome man before her, trying not to blush.
“I was until the king’s stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We’re closed.” The Doctor than slammed the door in their faces.
Not willing to give up when her revenge was so close at hand, Tosh knocked again.
The Doctor opened the door and glared at them. “Beat it, or I’ll call the brute squad,” he threatened.
“I’m on the brute squad,” Rhys informed him.
The Doctor looked Rhys up and down and told him, “You are the brute squad.”
Tosh butted in. “We need a miracle. It’s very important,” Tosh told the Doctor.
“I’m retired. And besides, why would you want someone the king’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle,” the Doctor told them sadly.
“He’s already dead. Tosh informed him.
That caught the Doctor’s attention, “He is huh? I’ll take a look. Bring him in.” He moved away from the door, inviting them to follow him in.
The Doctor had Rhys lay Ianto on the table, where the Doctor examined him. “I’ve seen worse,” he informed them as he continued to study Ianto.
“Sir….sir,” Tosh called out.
The Doctor looked up at her. “Huh?” He questioned in a distant tone.
“We’re in a terrible rush,” Tosh told him, needing this to hurry up.
The Doctor glared at her. “Don’t rush me, girly. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?” He looked questioningly between the two of them.
“Sixty-five,” Tosh told him.
“Sheesh, I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause,” the Doctor trailed off.
“This is noble, sir. His wife is …crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation,” Tosh lied.
The Doctor raised an eyebrow and informed her, “You are a rotten liar.”
Tosh turned serious and decided to tell him the truth. “I need him to help avenge my mother, murdered these twenty years.”
The Doctor could tell she was serious and his heart went out to the beautiful woman before him. “Your first story was better. Where’s that bellows crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I’ll ask him.” The Doctor wore a maniacal grin.
Tosh was beginning to worry about the Doctor’s sanity as she pointed out to him, “He’s dead; he can’t talk.”
“Well, look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth.”
Tosh and Rhys did as he asked.
“Now, all dead…well, with all dead, there’s usually only one thing you can do,” the Doctor once again trailed off; it was beginning to annoy Tosh.
“What’s that?” Tosh asked, trying not to run the man through with her sword.
“Go through his clothes and look for loose change,” the Doctor told them, before he putting the bellows to Ianto’s mouth and blowing air in. “Hey! Hello in there! What is so important? What you got here that’s worth living for?” he shouted into Ianto’s ear.
“T-R-U-E L-O-V-E,” Ianto manage to get out.
“True love, you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that,” Tosh told the Doctor.
“Yeah, true love is the greatest thing in the world, but for a nice watercress sandwich, nothing better than a nice fresh watercress sandwich. But that’s not what he said; he distinctly said ‘to blave’; and as we all know, ‘to blave’ means ‘to bluff’. So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated.” The Doctor was cut off from whatever he was going to say as a redhead stormed into the room.
“Liar! Liar! Liar!” Donna yelled at the Doctor, getting right into his face.
“Get back, witch,” the Doctor ordered, backing away from the woman.
“I’m not a witch, I’m your sister, but after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore,” Donna shouted at him.
“You never had it so good,” the Doctor reminded her.
“True love, he said ‘true love’, John,” she growled at him.
“Not another word, Donna.” His voice held a warning in it, one that Donna completely ignored.
Donna turned to face Tosh and Rhys. “He’s afraid. Ever since Prince John fired him, his confidence is shattered,” she informed them.
The Doctor began pacing. “Why’d you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!” the Doctor reminded her.
“What, John?” she asked, a wicked glint in her eyes.
The Doctor released a scream and Tosh and Rhys watched as Donna repeated ‘John’ over and over again as she chased her brother around the room.
The Doctor even went as far as sticking his fingers in his ear. “I’m not listening,” he told Donna in a sing-song voice.
“His life’s expiring, and you don’t have the decency to say why you won’t help.” Donna looked sadly at her brother.
“Nobody’s hearing anything,” the Doctor growled.
“John! John! John! John!” Donna was starting up again.
Seeing they were running out of time, and feeling sorry for the Doctor, Tosh spoke up. “This is Jack’s true love. If you heal him, he will stop John’s wedding.”
The Doctor pulled his fingers out and turned to Tosh. “Wait, wait, I make him better, John suffers?” he asked, a grin begin to form on his face.
Tosh nodded, finding herself returning the grin. “Humiliations galore,” she promised.
“Well, now, that changes everything. Give me the sixty-five, I’m on the job,” the Doctor told them.
Donna let out a little cheer at her brother’s answer and rushed off to get the Doctor’s miracle pill.
Tosh stared at the now chocolate-covered pill. “That is a miracle pill?” she questioned doubtfully.
Donna smiled at the young woman who caught her brother’s eye. “The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn’t go in swimming after for at least-” Donna’s explanations were cut off.
“An hour,” the Doctor called out.
“Yeah, an hour,” Donna agreed.
“A good hour,” the Doctor butted in again.
Once Rhys had gotten Ianto settled back over his shoulder and they paid the Doctor, they were about as ready as they could be until Ianto returned to the land of the living.
“Thank you for everything.” Tosh cursed herself as she felt her cheeks heating up.
Donna leaned forward to whisper in Tosh’s ear. “When this is all over, make sure to come back and visit. I think you and my brother would be good for one another, and I can tell he likes you.” Donna grinned at the blush that covered Tosh’s cheeks.
Donna and the Doctor continued to wave as the trio left them.
“Have fun storming the castle,” the Doctor called out. His ‘come back safely,’ was left unsaid.
“Think it will work?” Donna asked, truly wondering what their chances were.
The Doctor’s smile faded and a frown took over. “It will take a miracle,” he whispered and Donna prayed that one would happen.
After a long trek back to the castle grounds, Tosh and Rhys were hidden atop a battlement overlooking the gate.
“Tosh, there’s more than thirty,” Rhys whispered urgently to Tosh.
“What’s the difference? We’ve got him. Help me here. We’ll have to force-feed him.” Tosh was unconcerned with Rhys’ dilemma.
With Rhys’ help, she managed to force the pill down Ianto’s throat.
Time passed slowly, and yet it seemed to go by quickly for Tosh and Rhys.
“Has it been fifteen minutes?” Rhys asked.
Tosh was growing impatient. “We can’t wait. The wedding’s in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.” Tosh was going to bring Ianto back herself.
“How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?” Rhys was getting bored and worried they would be spotted.
“Your guess is as good as mine.” Tosh felt her fingers twitching; she was so close to finally getting her revenge.
Ianto soared to life with a growl. “I’ll beat you two apart! I’ll take you both together!” he snarled, lunging forward, only to fall flat on his face.
“I guess not very long,” Rhys commented as he picked Ianto up and set him against the wall.
Ianto tried to raise his arms, only to find he couldn’t. “Why won’t my arms move?” he asked them.
“You’ve been mostly dead all day,” Rhys informed him.
Tosh nodded. “We had the Doctor make a pill to bring you back,” she added.
Ianto was, for lack for a better word, confused. “Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where’s Jack?” Ianto growled out the last part.
Tosh took a deep breath. “Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Jack is marrying John in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal your beloved, make our escape, but after I kill Count Owen,” Tosh explained.
Ianto looked at her like she was crazy. “That doesn’t leave much time for dilly-dallying.” He wiggled his finger at Tosh.
“You just wiggled your finger! That’s wonderful!” Rhys happily noted.
“I’ve always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?” Ianto asked; all that mattered was getting to Jack.
“There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by…sixty men,” Tosh informed him.
Ianto did not like where this was going. “And our assets?” he asked.
“Your brains, Rhys’ strength, my steel,” Tosh told him.
“That’s it? Impossible; if I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something but this,” Ianto shook his head.
“You just shook your head! That doesn’t make you happy?” Rhys asked, confusion lacing his voice.
“My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something,” he said, a vague plan beginning to form in his mind.
Tosh turned to Rhys. “Where did we put that wheelbarrow that Mickey fellow had?” she asked.
“With Mickey, I think.” Rhys wasn’t too sure.
Ianto stared at the two of them. “Why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak,” Ianto wished.
Tosh shook her head. “There we cannot help you,” she told him sadly.
‘Would this do?” Rhys asked, pulling out a cloak he had folded in his bag.
Tosh stared at him. “Where did you get that?” she asked, not remembering her friend having it before.
Rhys smile sheepishly as he answered. “At the Doctor’s; it fit so nice, he said I could keep it.”
“All right, all right, come on, help me up. Now, I’ll need a sword eventually,” Ianto ordered, needing to get to Jack.
Tosh raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Why? You can’t even lift one,” she pointed out to him.
Ianto nodded knowing that was accurate, but he reminded her, “True, but that’s hardly common knowledge, is it?”
Tosh shook her head and Rhys supported his weight. “Thank you. Now, there may be problems once were inside,” Ianto warned them.
Tosh smiled grimly. “I’ll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?” Tosh’s rambling was cut off by Rhys hand over her mouth.
“Don’t pester him. He’s had a hard day,” Rhys whispered into her ear.
Tosh nodded, seeing that Ianto was not in a good mood and, really, who could blame him? He had been dead and his beloved was supposed to marry another tonight.
“Right, right, sorry,” Tosh whispered once Rhys released her mouth.
Rhys turned to look at Tosh. “Tosh?” he called softly.
Tosh turned to look at Rhys, “What?” she questioned softly.
“I hope we win,” Rhys whispered to her and Tosh found herself agreeing with him.
Inside the castle, John entered Jack’s chambers and took note of the sad and angry look his fiancé wore.
“You don’t seem excited, my little muffet,” he commented, coming over to stand behind Jack.
“Should I be?” Jack snarled at him.
“Grooms often are, or so I’m told,” John replied.
Jack turned to face John. “I am not marring you tonight. My Ianto will save me,” Jack vowed.
John laughed harshly before he exited the room, leaving Jack alone with his thoughts. It would not be long before the ceremony started and he would be done with Jack forever.
‘This shouldn’t be happening. Ianto, where are you?’ Jack tightened his gripe on the king’s arm as he walked him down the aisle to where John was waiting from him at the altar.
Jack tried not to flinch as John took his hand in his.
The Clergyman began. “Mawwiage, mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that blessed awwangement that dweams within a dweam”
If Jack had not been so heartbroken, then maybe he would have heard the distant voices in the background calling out, “Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!” But Jack didn’t.
Outside the castle gate, the guards on duty were greeted with a sight that had the guards’ knees shaking as a cloaked figure of man that towered above them all seemed to glided towards them.
“Stand your ground!” the captain of the guards ordered to his men.
“I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!” Rhys roared in that deep voice of his from atop of the wheelchair.
“Now?” Tosh asked, looking excited for her role.
Ianto shook his head. “Not yet.”
“Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here,” Rhys continued on as they grew closer to the guards.
“Now?” Tosh asked again, holding up the flaming torch.
Ianto nodded. “Light him,” he ordered.
Tosh lit the wheelbarrow and, with all her strength pushed the now-flaming cart towards the guards, hoping that Rhys would be okay.
“The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!” Rhys roared as he grew closer to the guards.
The guards were panicking.
Back in side the chapel, the Clergyman was still continued on despite the fact that many were listening to what was happening outside. “And love, twue love, will follow you fowevew.”
“The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!” Rhys, the towering inferno, told the terrified guards.
“Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!” the captain called down to his men who were taking steps back the closer the Dread Pirate Roberts got closer.
“So tweasure youw love,” the Clergyman said before finding himself interrupted by a worried prince.
“Skip to the end,” John ordered.
The Clergyman blinked at the prince and asked, “Do you have the wing?”
Jack looked smugly at John. “Here comes my Ianto now.” He felt happiness for the first time since he left Ianto in the swamp.
“Rhys, the portcullis,” Ianto called out to Rhys in the courtyard.
“Your Ianto is dead. I killed him myself,” John hissed in a low tone so only Jack could hear.
“Then why is there fear behind you eyes?” Jack hissed back. There was no way his Ianto could fall at the hands of someone like John.
Ianto’s plan had worked-they managed to scare away the rest of the guards and managed to catch Saxon, pinning him to the castle gate.
“Give us the gate key,” Ianto ordered; time was running out for him to get to Jack.
“I have no gate key,” Saxon lied.
“Rhys, tear his arms off,” Tosh ordered the giant and the man took a menacing step closer to Saxon.
Saxon paled and quickly pulled out a gate key. “Oh, you mean this gate key.”
Tosh happily snatched it from Saxon.
The Clergyman looked at Jack and asked, “And do you, Pwince Jack,” only for him to once again to be cut off by the prince.
“Man and husband! Say man and husband!” John ordered.
The Clergyman did as he was ordered. “Man and husband.”
John turned to his father. “Escort the groom to the honeymoon suite. I’ll be there shortly,” he ordered.
“He didn’t come.” Jack was numb.