Word Count: 31,421
Prompt: Wedding Crashers
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others
Summary: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?
Warnings: Language and sexual scenes
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.
The men’s room was easy to find, and the moment Jack entered he came across a familiar sight. The groom leaning against a urinal, hyper-ventilating and dry-heaving. Sighing, Jack moved to stand next to the urinal. “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.” Jake, the groom, jumped in shock at the sound of Jack’s voice; he obviously hadn’t heard him walk in.
“Huh?” Jake swallowed against another bout of dry-heaves.
Jack shifted backwards just enough to ensure he didn’t get splashed, just in case something did come up, and then he continued speaking. “You’re thinking, ‘What have I done? My life’s over. I’m finished. Now it ends.’ And at what? Twenty-six?” Jack waited until the groom nodded before he went on.
“Twenty-six years of pure, uncut, premium, Grade-A sexual freedom. Yeah, I know; it’s a drug. A drug that makes morphine look like Skittles, and it’s going right down the toilet as you descend into the abyss of country kitchens, dirty diapers, and mind-numbing conversations about her ‘needs’. And you know what’s even worse than all of that? The same sex with the same person, day after day, night after night, year in and year out.” Jack was cut off by Jake retching again.
Jack waited a few moments to give the poor man time to gather himself, and once Jack was sure he okay, he picked up from where he left off. “Well, you’re wrong. It’s not like that at all. You see it as the beginning of the end. No, my friend! It’s the end of the beginning…”
At this point the groom looks up at Jack, encouraged. “You’re about to enter a world so complex and fulfilling, it makes your old life of endless boozing, late nights, and meaningless pieces of ass seem like the shallow, depressing graveyard that it really is.”
Jack took a deep breath and looked right into Jake’s eyes. “A world rich with deep love, endless adoration and honest appreciation from a life partner… well, this is a kind of happiness you never dreamed possible. It’s a mystery, a gift that God gives us. And when the kids come? They call you Daddy… and you’re their hero very own personal hero.” Jack could see the hint of colour returning to the young man’s face.
“And you get to grow old with someone whose love for you is timeless, endless. Someone who knows what you’re thinking before you say it. Who’ll take care of you when you’re sick, comfort you when you’re sad. Someone who’ll laugh with your jokes, and hold your hand when you cry. Someone you never have to impress, but always want to.” Jack spoke passionately. “Most men would give up their left arm to be in your shoes.”
Jake was looking much better as he smiled at Jack. “Thank you.”
Jack shrugged. “No problem.” He point to the door. “Now, go get ’em.”
Silence hung in the bathroom as Jack went about his business while Jake splashed some water over his face as he mulled over Jack’s advice.
Jack was near the door when Jake stopped. “Hey, how long have you been married?” He asked.
“Oh…I’m not married. I might try and nail that chick in the blue dress, though. She seems nice.” Jack flashed his mega-watt grin at the man before taking his leave. Jake just stared at the closed door in disbelief, wondering how someone who’s never been married can have such a clear picture of what it’s like to be married.
Jack quickly found John and joined him in the pew. They both knelt and pretended to be in prayer while in reality they were scoping out potential men and women. Once they had a general idea of suitable targets, they both sat back down to compare notes.
“Third row, UNIT hat,” John whispered.
“You should know by now that anyone who wears a hat will never give it up.” Jack whispered back.
“What? That’s not true! You bagged Ross and he was UNIT.” John spoke a little too loudly and that caused people to turn around and give them disapproving looks.
Jack smiles apologetically at them before hissing at his friend, “A little louder, please. I don’t think the priest heard you.”
An elderly couple came and sat down next to Jack and the man offered his hand to Jack. “Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart and this is my lovely wife, Sarah Jane.”
Jack shook his hand and smiled at the woman at his side; it was easy to see that in her youth, Sarah Jane had been truly beautiful. “Jack Smith and this is my brother John.” John nodded his greeting.
After wrapping his arm around Sarah Jane’s shoulder, Alistair asked, “So how do you boys know the groom?”
‘Shit!’ Jack hadn’t thought of an answer to that. “Oh, we’re… Uncle James’ kids.”
Alistair and Sarah Jane blinked. “Uncle James? Is he Diane’s brother?” Sarah Jane asked softly, leaning in close to her husband’s ear.
“Yeah… Diane’s brother.” Jack lied as he scrambled through his memory trying to remember who Diane was.
Alistair grinned at that. “Great. How is everybody?” He asked.
“Dad’s fine. Aunt Diane sends her best. She couldn’t make it.” Jack rambled on, relieved he hadn’t screwed up.
A look was exchanged between the older couple as Alistair pointed out quietly. “I know, she’s dead.”
Rolling his eyes, John leaned over; this wasn’t the first time he has had to do this. “She sends her best from beyond the grave. We’ve become very spiritual.” He watched the man’s eyebrows briefly disappear into his hairline.
“I see,” Alistair murmured under his breath before his and Sarah Jane’s attention was drawn away by another wedding guest.
With a scowl on his face John growled lowly at Jack. “How many times are you gonna do this? If you’re going to commit to a relative, be sure you know whether or not they have a pulse.”
Before Jack could defend himself, the groom came out to the altar. The guests all turned to look expectantly at the back of the church. John and Jack catch sight of a groomsman escorting a rather regal-looking elderly woman to her seat; there is no doubt in their minds that this is Sylvia Saxon, the grandmother of the bride and the matriarch of the Saxon family. Next, two groomsmen walk the mother of the bride, Gwen Saxon, to her seat. She had the glow of someone who had been drinking… every day for the last twenty-five years.
An adorable little flower girl in a big poofy dress walked up the aisle next, concentrating hard on what she’s supposed to be doing. Jack could see her lips moving as she took two deliberate steps, paused and carefully tossed a few flowers petals at her feet. As she got closer to him, he could hear her, “Step, step, throw. Step, step, throw,” and she repeated this she reached the altar.
The entire congregation watched her face light up with a proud smile as she took a look back up the aisle at her handiwork. Then a quick glance into her basket made her realise that she still had a lot of petals left and her smile turned into a frown. Jack had to bite the inside of his mouth when he saw her do what was clearly the only thing she could think of; she turned her basket upside down and let the remaining flowers fall onto the floor in a little pile. Now satisfied, she happily skipped over to her seat in the first row.
Next, because the bride refused to have anyone but her brothers on her side of the wedding party, there were only groomsmen to precede her down the aisle; the only other woman in the bridal party was bride’s older adopted sister, Toshiko Sato-Saxon. As the maid of honour walked down the aisle, John was blown away by how innocent the eldest of the Saxon children seems to be.
It took him a moment to find his voice. “Hello!” John whispered before nudging Jack in the ribs. “Dibs,” he hissed quietly, laying claim to his newest conquest.
Jack smiled and shook his head. “All yours, my friend.”
Next down the aisle was the bride’s best man and the youngest brother, Ianto, and suddenly Jack forgot how to breathe as he laid eyes on the gorgeous man. As soon as Ianto reached the altar, a String Quartet began playing the familiar strains of Wagner’s wedding march, ‘Here Comes the Bride.’ It took all of Jack’s willpower to tear his eyes from Ianto and pay attention to the bride.
Harold Saxon, beaming with all the pride of a happy father, walked his daughter, Ace, down the aisle. Despite her chosen career as UNIT’s top demolitions expert, Ace Saxon was the epitome of elegance and femininity as she glided gracefully towards her husband-to-be.
Jack leaned in close to John. “Think we got a crier?” he asked, prepared to make their usual wager on how far into the ceremony the bride would start weeping.
John snorted. “Ace Saxon, cry? The woman blows things up for a hobby! I very much doubt she’ll shed a single tear.” And Jack had to agree his friend was more than likely right. “Now the groom, on the other hand…”
A little later into the wedding, Jack and John were bored like crazy. The priest, Rhys Williams, who was conducting the very lengthy traditional Catholic service, announced “Now, for our next reading, I’d like to invite the bride’s sister, Tosh, up to the lectern.”
Jack leant in and whispered, “Twenty pounds says it’s First Corinthians.”
John shook his head. “No way. Colossians 3:12.” He bet instead.
Realising that Sarah Jane was looking past her husband and glaring at them, Jack wisely remained silent, biting back a pithy comment.
Tosh, upon reaching the lectern, opened the bible to her coloured sticky marker and began speaking. “A reading from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. Love is patient. Love is kind…”
John rolled his eyes at Jack’s triumphant smirk as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty, and as he handed it to Jack, he mocked under his breath, “Love is bullshit. Love sucks dick.”
Forty-five minutes later and John had dozed off in the pew, leaning lightly against Jack’s shoulder. Seeing this out of the corner of his eye, Jack elbowed him in the ribs. That jolted John awake and he reflexively dabbed some fake tears from under his eyes and sniffled, “I just love to see young people happy.”
“Jake and Ace are both quite the sailing enthusiasts. So it came as no surprise to any of us when Jake proposed to Ace while sailing the Caribbean.” Rhys stated warmly.
Jack and John shared a look, an eye-roll and a fake dry-heave.
Rhys continued blissfully ignorant of the antics going on in his pews. “Speaking on behalf of us all, I think I can confidently say that this marriage will be smooth sailing all the way.” Delighted at his clever phase, he announced, “Now, the bride and groom have elected to say vows that they themselves have written.”
The ring bearer, the groom’s four-year-old nephew resplendent in his miniature tuxedo, stepped forward and handed the Father Rhys the pillow that carried the rings. After setting them on his open bible, Rhys blessed the golden bands and handed the first ring to Jake who placed it on Ace’s finger before beginning his vows. “I, Jake, take you, Ace, to be my wife, my best friend, and my first mate.”
Jack who had spent most of the wedding watching Ianto, smiled when he saw the younger man make a face that clearly said, ‘Oh, puh-leeeese.’
Not noticing what his future brother in-law was doing, Jake continued with his vows. “I promise to captain our ship of love, and to stay with that ship no matter how rough the seas.”
Ianto, at this point, was clearly trying to stifle his laughter.
“Through health and sickness, clear skies and squalls.”
Ianto couldn’t stop himself any longer and let a little laugh escape his lips and Jack suddenly found that he couldn’t take his eyes off him. In the twelve years that he had been crashing weddings, he had never seen anyone in the bridal party laugh during the vows.
“You are the star I set my course to. You are my magnetic north. My sextant always point to you.”
Ianto can’t fight it any longer, he laughed out loud. Quickly he covered the laugh with a cough as his sister glared daggers at him. “Sorry. Tickle in my throat. Please continue.” Amusement-laced Welsh vows had Jack squirming in his seat as a shiver ran down his back.
“Well, this is a first.” John suddenly found this wedding a little more interesting as well.
“He’s amazing!” Jack whispered, clearly enamoured with Ianto.
Ace smiled as she accepted her ring from the priest and placed it on Jake’s finger. “I, Ace, take you, Jake, to be my husband, my best friend, and my captain.”
Ianto was in agony, literally pinching himself in the thigh to keep from losing it completely.
“To be your anchor and your sail, your starboard and your port, your bow and your stern.”
Ianto had to turn around, his shoulders were heaving with silent mirth.
“Your life, your love, your lady, and the sea.”
Still turned around, Ianto snort-laughed, and to Jack it was one of the loveliest sounds he’d ever heard another human being make.
Rhys smiled at the couple standing in front of him, their hands clasped tightly together, and their faces lit by glowing smiles. “By the power vested in me by the Roman Catholic Church and by the Commonwealth of London, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife.” He looked a little uncomfortable at this point as he added, “Captain, you may now kiss your first mate.”
That did it for Ianto; he couldn’t hold back any longer and he burst into gales of laughter as the couple shared their first kiss as man and wife. Thankfully, the sounds of his mirth were drowned out by the guests’ applause as the couple parted and walked back up the aisle. Somehow, Ianto managed to regain enough control to follow them with a straight face; he didn’t notice that Jack’s eyes were glued to his every movement. As Tosh, passed him, John was able to catch her eye and he winked at her, to his delight, she blushed in response and smiled at him.