Word Count: 31,421
Prompt: Wedding Crashers
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others
Summary: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?
Warnings: Language and sexual scenes
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.
Arriving at the Reception, Jack and John stood off to one side and checked the layout the place; the bar was off to one side and the opposite side was a wall of windows leading out to a wide deck with an ocean view. Everything was decorated beautifully, there were opulent platters of food, and a swing band was playing. It was like something from Gatsby. A waiter passed by with a tray of lobster canapés, and Jack and John each snag one; after a moment of internal debate, John snagged another one.
“Sweet, huh? What did I tell you?” John knew he had been right.
Jack had to admit that John had been right indeed when he’d declared that the Saxon wedding would be the highlight of their dubious wedding crashing career. “You said it would be sweet and you were right.” And then suddenly his Welsh vision was standing before him and all Jack could focus on was Ianto. “Get us seats near – but not too near - the bridal party. I’ll drop off the fake present.” Jack held up the gift-wrapped box he was holding.
“Excellent. And if you see any crab cakes, grab me some.” John called out to Jack’s retreating back. As his friend wandered off to find the gift table, John surveyed the room as he moved towards a suitable table. Once he got a glimpse of the name cards on the plates, he pulled several name cards from his pocket. He searches through them quickly until he finds a style that matches and then making sure no one was looking, he removed two other cards from the tables. “Sorry Mr and Mrs Jones. I’m sure we’ll find you another lovely table.” John muttered under his breath as he placed the fake cards on the table and moved away.
Jack, having found the enormous display of wedding presents, placed the fake gift on the table. As he turned to go, he discovers to his absolute delight that Ianto is there also, checking on the gifts. Jack waited until he picked up a medium-sized gift and gave it a little shake. “Fondue set,” he announced with authority.
Ianto blinked at the very handsome man and tilted his head slightly, wondering who he was and what he was talking about. “Excuse me?” he asked softly.
Jack fought back a shiver as goose bumps pebbled his skin. Never before had anyone accent ever affected him so much, and he had to admit he rather liked it, a lot. “The present you’re holding. It’s a sterling silver fondue set.” Jack offered his hand, “Jack Smith.”
Ianto slipped his hand into Jack’s and both shivered at the electricity that coursed through their bodies at the simple touch. “Ianto Saxon. How do you know?” He asked with a smile.
“Sort of psychic.” Jack stated with utter seriousness in his voice.
Letting his curiosity getting the better of him, Ianto placed down the gift he was holding and picked up another one. “Really? What’s this one?”
“Knife set. Very nice. German.” Jack answered without pause. Ianto exchanged it for another one. “Cotton lines, Egyptian.” Wanting to impress Ianto, Jack quickly pointed to a series of presents and named then all, “Place settings. Candlesticks. Crystal Stemware … which they will never use, by the way, and I have to say, that is bad karma.”
Ianto couldn’t help but laugh a little before picking one last gift, a small box, clearly waiting for Jack’s opinion of what it contained. Jack grinned wickedly as he answered, “Massage oils and a book on Tantra. Probably from the wacky Aunt.”
Ianto looked at the gift card and shook his head. “You’re right, Aunt River. Wow! You definitely have a gift,” he told Jack as he put the box back on the table.
“Yes, well… unfortunately, my powers only apply to useless consumer products.” Jack confessed with mock disappointment in his voice.
“Well, look, if one day the police need someone to find a missing Belgian waffle maker, you’re there, right?” Jack could hardly believe his ears, was Ianto flirting with him? ‘Yeah! He’s flirting with me!’ Jack forced his feet to remain still despite the sudden urge to dance a silly jig.
Before their conversation could go any further, Ianto’s mother, the blissfully buzzed Gwen, approached them. “Ianto, we need you for pictures.” Gwen stopped and blatantly raked her eyes rake over Jack’s body. “Who’s your friend?” she asked, making no attempt to hide her interest or invitation.
“This is Jack Smith.” Ianto smiled at Jack; his fingertips could still feel the jolt of electricity they had shared.
The knowledge that Ianto remembered his name filled Jack with happiness. “You remembered my name. Very good.”
Ianto’s smile grew. “I have a gift.” He whispered teasingly before flashing Jack a wink and turning on his heel to walk away with his mother. Gwen pauses long enough to flash Jack her own wink and Jack would later admit to John he was a little creeped out. He did not go for married men or women, and in truth, he wanted no one but Ianto.
Having finally tracked down John, Jack was not at all surprised to find him at the bar and, of course, he was eating. It truly baffled Jack how much John could put away at one time, as well as how despite it all, he could maintain his wiry figure. ‘Wait, do men have figures? Should it be his wiry frame? Or what about…’ Several crumbs of food landed on Jack’s hand and pulled him from his reverie.
“You must try the bacon wrapped scallops.” John told him around a mouthful of food. Jack tried not to look at the mess on display in John’s mouth; sometimes, John was a pig.
“Will do.” Jack snagged one from John’s plate – a major faux pass in John’s eyes - and took a bite, all the while smirking under the glare of his friend. Jack choked on the food as he spotted something that could blow their plan to bits. “Oh shit! Isn’t that the chick, what was her name…? Lisa! Remember, you picked her up at the Pond wedding?” Jack hissed.
John’s eyes widened as he began to panic. “Quick, hide me!”
Jack cursed when Lisa’s eyes landed on them and she made her way over to them. “Too late. We’ll do number ten from the playbook.” Jack ordered and John gave a slight nod showing he knew what to do.
“Shlomo?! I thought you were renouncing your possessions and moving to Nepal.” Lisa asked and John looked at her, feigning confusion. “Shlomo? Don’t you remember me?”
Jack put a look of sadness in his eyes as he addressed her, “Oh, God, I’m sorry. You didn’t hear, I guess. Shlomo had a bad accident. In the Himalayas. Sherpas, pack mules, oxygen deprivation. He doesn’t remember anyone. Even me, his own brother… I’m just some nice man who helps him out.”
“Oh, you poor dear!” She had tears in her eyes as sympathy poured off her in waves. “Is there anything I can do?” John looked at her before faking sign language to Jack.
“I’m afraid he can’t hear you. Part of the accident.” Jack told her sadly; he needed to find out why she was here and how to get rid of her. “You here for the Saxon wedding?”
Lisa nodded her head. “Yes, but I have to leave. I’ve got a flight to Madrid,” she informed him and out of her sight, John mouths, ‘Thank God’ to Jack only to nearly curse out loud when she continued, “But I could hang out for a few minutes.” She reached out and stroked John’s arm. “Oh, poor Shlomo. You were such a sweet man.”
John did some more fake sign language to Jack who nodded. “He wants me to take him to the bathroom.” Jack informed Lisa as John signed something else, “and he wants some crab cakes.” Jack started his own signing. “Okay, we’ll go to the bathroom first then we’ll get the crab cakes.”
John signed something angrily and it took all of Jack’s willpower not to laugh as he figured out what his friend was trying to say, and he signed back, “Fine. We’ll get you crab cakes first.” He then turned his attentions back to Lisa, “Please excuse us. I’m sure that John would be pleased to see you again, if he, you know, knew who you were.”
Lisa nodded sadly and patted John’s arm, “I understand.” She handed Jack a card she had gotten out of her purse. “Here’s my number; if there’s anything I can do to help, please call me.” She smiled sweetly at Jack and kissed John’s cheek before walking away.
Once he was sure that Lisa was out of view, John snatched the card from Jack’s hands with a dirty grin on his face. “Cool. In a couple of weeks I’ll have you call her for me. Guaranteed score. Deaf-mute amnesiac. They love that. I won’t even have to buy her dinner,” he chortled.
Jack rolled his eyes. “Charming. So what angle are you going to work tonight?” Jack reminded his friend of the score for them waiting here.
John blinked; he’s been so busy planning his date with Lisa that he’d forgotten for a moment that they were on the pull. “I think I’ll start with a public balloon animal display for the kids and then, when that girl draws near, do the man-haunted-by-noble-past.” John quickly got his game together.
“Excellent.” Jack was glad to see John’s mind had returned to the present.
John looked at Jack, “You?” He wondered what angle his friend was going to use; Jack could be quite… imaginative.
Jack shrugged his shoulders. “No brainer. I’m gonna work old man Saxon and then dance with the little flower girl. Public-policy-minded and good with kids.”
“Beautiful.” John clearly approved of the plan.
“Let’s do it.” Jack and John wished each other luck before heading off in different directions in search of their chosen prizes.