Word Count: 31,421
Prompt: Wedding Crashers
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others
Summary: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?
Warnings: Language and sexual scenes
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.
Later that afternoon on board the Saxon’s yacht
Jack and John are standing at the stern of the boat and Jack could tell from the angry look in John’s eyes he was going to get a very sharply worded lecture. Fortunately he was spared for a moment when Tosh made her way over to them.
“John, sweetie, I’m making lemonade. Interested?” Tosh asked sweetly, batting her eyes at him.
John forced a fake smile cross his face. “Sure, sure. That’d be great, honey.” Tosh smiled and walked away while John continued talking in a sotto voice, “And could you put some heroin in it?” He then turned his attention back to his friend. “Jack, this is against the rules! You get a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime!” John growled at his friend.
Jack crossed his arms and glared at his friend. “Oh really? No overtime? Need I remind you of the Chung wedding, 1997?”
John silently cursed himself for giving Jack an opening argument and he tried a different angle, “All right, look…” only to have Jack cut him off.
“We finished the reception. I’m ready to go home. Next thing I know, you’re dragging me to watch you and some chick play mah-jongg with her grandmother thirty miles away at a retirement home.” Jack reminded his friend.
“I needed to do that, all right?!” John defended himself.
“You needed to do that… ha.” Jack let out a sarcastic laugh.
“She was into her grandma! You know the drill!” When Jack scoffed John forgot where they were and let his voice rise. “It was my first Asian!” At this, the people within earshot turned to look at John.
Jack shot John a warning look. “Look, I just need some alone time with him.”
“He’s got a boyfriend.” John pointed out again.
“They all have boyfriends and girlfriends.” Jack brought up his own point. “So what?”
John tossed his hands up in the air; he knew there was no talking Jack out of his plan. “Okay. Fine! Get some alone time, seal the deal and let’s get the fuck away from these people.”
Any further conversation was brought to a halt as Grey made his way over to them. “Gentlemen. Everything okay?” Grey asked them.
“Oh yeah. Fine.” Jack forced a smile on his face and resisted the urge to punch Ianto’s boyfriend on his jaw.
Grey looked overboard. “Oh man, will you check that out a school of bluefish.” Curious, Jack and John joined him to take a look. “You know, these waters used to be flush with bluefish. And then the corporate polluters came in and well, you can guess the rest. After we, and I mean the National Environmental Defence League under my stewardship, got a Bluefish Revival Act...” Grey’s boasting was cut off by Jack.
“Bluefish Revival Act? They were at Woodstock, right?” Jack joked and Grey laughing insincerely as Harold Saxon ambled over, cocktail in hand, and quickly looks overboard as well.
“My God! Are those bluefish? You know, Grey here is single-handedly responsible for the spurt in the bluefish population.” Harold boasted about Grey’s accomplishment.
From the look on John’s face, Jack can tell that his friend had a wise-ass comment ready but one quick elbow from Jack stops the comment from leaving John’s lips. “Yes, sir, we heard.” Jack informed the Defence Minister politely.
“Well, anyway, listen, as soon as we get to the compound we were thinking about a little touch football game, another Saxon family tradition. What do you say?” Harold asked the two men while taking a sip of his drink.
“Absolutely.” Jack was already thinking of ways he could use the game to impress Ianto.
“Great.” In John’s mind it was the perfect way to avoid having to spend anytime alone with Tosh.
A big smile spread across Harold’s face at their agreement. “Good!” He took a good look at his glass and cursed under his breath, “Damn, why is my daiquiri always at low-tide.” He sighed and took another look at the bluefish. “God, I love those bluefish.”
‘What is the big deal about these fish?’ John craned his neck to get another look, trying to see what was so special about them. At the same time, Saxon gave John a hard but friendly slap on the back and given how far John had leaned over the railing, the slap sent him overboard and into the ocean.
After being pulled out of the ocean, John was soaking wet and shivering, and he spent the remainder of the trip glaring at his so-called best friend while being fawned over by Tosh. As the boat approached land, Jack and John got their first glimpse of Saxon’s little compound. It was a huge, old beachfront mansion with an expansive lawn that went down to the beach and Adirondack chairs strewn about. There was also a boathouse, and a dock with various sailboats moored to it.
John leaned in and whispered to Jack with pure disbelief in his voice, “That’s the little place back on the Vineyard?”
After getting settled in their rooms, and finding John some warm, dry clothes, Jack and John found themselves out on the front lawn. Along with the rest of the guests, the scrimmage line-up including Ianto, Grey and Harold Saxon. Andy was sitting on the sideline, reading; family tradition or not, he had no interest in the game at all.
For Jack, the biggest highlight of the game so far was when he managed to score a touchdown on Grey, a fact which didn’t sit all that well with Grey. Ianto’s boyfriend managed to improve his attitude when, in the next play, he completely flattened John.
Jack was too busy paying attention to Ianto, who was able to catch John’s pass, despite the wildly thrown ball. Ianto did a little dance to get around Jack so he could score, but he became thoroughly distracted by Jack, who mimicked his dance steps, and caused the younger man to burst into laughter. That gave Jack the opening he needed to tag the younger man.
Ianto pouted at Jack. “No fair! You made me laugh!”
It took all of Jack’s willpower not to react to Ianto’s very adorable pout; he wanted nothing more at that moment than to suck on that oh-so-tempting lower lip. “No, it’s not fair. A lot of things in life aren’t fair.” He mimicked Ianto’s dance again and Ianto couldn’t help but laugh again at his silly antics.
Ianto finally noticed that something was happening up-field. “Hey, is your friend okay?” Worry laced his Welsh vowels, making them stronger. Jack turned to see John’s seemingly lifeless body being carried off the field, and he took off at a dead run for his friend with Ianto right behind him.
“I don’t know what got into me.” Grey lied through his teeth; he was thrilled with the results of his play.
Harold slapped Grey on the back with pride. “I do! Five generations of Lodge family breeding. Hell, your father used to pull the same stunt when we were your age.” Harold and Grey shared a laugh.
Jack reached John’s side and dropped to his knees. “Are you all right?” He asked, a worried frown marring his features.
“Oh he’s fine! Hey, John, why don’t you sit out the next play. Andy, come on in.” Harold called over to his son.
Andy looked up from his book. “You must be joking.” His voice was loaded with distaste at the idea of him playing sports.
“It wouldn’t kill you to play some competitive sports once in a while, would it?” Harold challenged his son. Andy scoffed and returned to his book while his father rolled his eyes in exasperation.
Somehow John managed to stand up and holding his side, he said “It’s okay. It’s okay. Um, perhaps Andy could just donate a kidney instead.”
Tosh rushed over, hyper-concerned, flung her arms John’s neck, and stuck her tongue halfway down his throat. John jumped back, trying to get some distance between them. “I’m better now. Second down,” John declared before rushing back onto the field as fast as he could.
Of course a few minutes later, after he is once again sacked, hard, by Grey, John couldn’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t have been safer to stay with Tosh.
“Damn! What in the world is wrong with me?!” Grey asked out loud, acting as if he was disappointed with himself.
Again, Harold slapped Grey on the back. “Nature verses nurture, Grey. Nature always wins.” The two men share an over-exaggerated manly chortle before Harold suggested, “Let’s take a daiquiri time-out.”
The other players leave the field as well, as he rushed to John’s side, Jack noted that Grey had a tight, almost painful grip on Ianto’s arm, dragging him away from the injured man. It was a move the young Welshman clearly did not like, judging by the look on his face. Reaching his friend’s side, Jack asked him, “You all right?” John was very pale-looking, and Jack was really worried.
John levelled a pain-filled glare at his friend for asking such a stupid question and for getting him into this mess. “I may need you to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. I think I’m choking on my own nuts. Do we get to leave now?” Hope laced his voice as he prayed that this was the end of Jack’s foolishness.
“No.” At that moment John truly hated Jack Harkness.
Any further conversation about leaving was halted when Tosh and Gwen rush over to them. “Honey, let’s take him in the house and get him fixed up.” Gwen suggested to her worried daughter.
“Sure, mom.” Tosh helped John to his feet and they hobbled into the house leaving Jack alone with the one Saxon he wished to avoid.
“It’s so hot out. Why don’t you play in your underwear?” Gwen asked as she gave Jack a long flirtatious look. Jack had nothing to say in response and Gwen just licked her lips at him. “Think about it. I’ll make you a drink.”
As Jack watched her saunter away, her hips swaying back and forth, he found himself desperately wishing that it was Ianto flirting with him, rather than his half-in-the-bag, predatory mother. ‘Okay, new plan; get Ianto alone and stay far, far away from Gwen.’
In one of the Saxon’s many bathrooms, John found himself sitting on the edge of the tub in some serious pain as Tosh tended to his wounds. He was very vocal about how much pain he is in. “Ah man! That stings!” John complains. Aside from the torn and bruised skin, he was afraid that he might have cracked a rib during the second tackle.
“Ohhh, poor baby. Want me to… blow on it?” Tosh whispered seductively.
John gulped as his brain tried to figure out a way to put some distance between them but his body reacted to her suggestion. “It’s fine.” He hissed through clenched teeth but that did little good to stop Tosh as she suddenly straddled John’s lap.
As neither of them had thought to close the bathroom door, they didn’t notice the family butler, Owen, come to an abrupt halt in the hallway. He quietly snuck up next to the open door so he could enjoy the scene that was going on right in front of him.
“You know, I’m not wearing panties.” Tosh purred as she shifted on John’s lap.
Owen choked on nothing as he heard the shy Saxon child’s admission. ‘It’s always the quite ones,’ he smirked. Knowing there would be hell to pay if anyone else caught Tosh and her man in such a compromising position, Owen took a few steps away from the door and cleared his throat. Frightened, Tosh jumped off of John’s lap and busied herself putting the first aid kit back together. Owen’s eyes narrowed as he looked at John; if he wasn’t mistaken, John actually looked very relived at the interruption. “Oh, don’t worry, Tosh. Mum’s the word.”
Tosh let out a relived sigh. “Thank you, Owen.” Even John was a little grateful; no telling what old man Saxon might do if he found out John was dallying with his now-not-so-virginal daughter.
“A little more discretion though, okay?” That was Owen’s parting advice as he shut the bathroom door and walked away; suddenly the weekend was looking up.
John was sure his heart was about ready to explode; he knew that if it had been anyone else who caught them like this he would be one dead man.
As if she could read his mind, Tosh told him, “Don’t worry. He won’t say anything. Now where were we? Oh, right, I’m not wearing panties.” Tosh straddled John’s lap again.
John could not believe how fast she had changed, and he didn’t hesitate to tell her so. “It’s like eight hours ago you were a shy virgin. Now you’re not wearing any panties?” Something didn’t seem right.
“You do that to me.” Tosh purred in a purely sex kitten tone as she moved to kiss John again, only this time John was too quick for her and he moved her off his lap before their lips could connect.
“Tosh, look, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Not to mention your brother’s boyfriend made a smoothie with my nards. I’m not exactly in the mood.” And John wasn’t lying. For once in his life he really wasn’t.
Tosh, on the other hand was pissed off. “Fine.” She snarled as she took a swab of the rubbing alcohol she had been using to treat his injuries and stabs at one of his wounds. John’s cry of pain doesn’t faze her as she hissed, “My father warned me about people like you! I’m just another notch on your belt!”
“No, no, it’s not like that!” John quickly defended himself.
Tosh was getting very angry. “What’s it like then, John?!” she demanded and when John failed to answer her right away she took another load of medicine and continued her torture technique on another wound.
John let out a scream of pain even as he tried to think of something to calm her down. “It’s like you’re so damn precious that I would… feel like… I’m just using you if we took every opportunity to express our… love… in a physical way. It diminishes the poetry of this thing we have between us.” John could only pray that his pretty words were enough to soothe her injured pride.
His attempt at an apology seemed to do its job as Tosh melted into his arms. “You’re my knight in shining armour,” she tells him in a dreamy voice.
“Cool. Good. Good.” John decided he would rather deal with this Tosh then the scary one from moments ago. After all, he was only there for a few days, and it was a big house on a big island.
Tosh pulled back to tell him sweetly, “Don’t ever leave me.”
“Oh no. Never. Don’t you worry…” John’s voice trailed off as he wondered what would happen when he did leave her.
“Good. Because I’ll find you.” There was a clear warning in Tosh’s voice and John began to freak out on the inside. He was thankful when Tosh finished taking care of his wounds and they were free to leave the bathroom. Of course it was just his luck they would have to run into Tosh’s father the moment they stepped into the hallway.
“Get him all patched up, Cherry Blossom?” Harold asked his daughter. His sharp eyes didn’t miss the way she hung onto John’s arm.
“I sure did, Daddy.” Tosh told him, happily snuggling up against John.
Harold smiles fondly at his daughter. “Well, you go change for dinner.” Tosh smiled at them and pecked John on the cheek before walking away. Harold waited until she was out of sight before speaking again, “You seem to really make her happy, son.”
John is caught off guard by this. “Oh, well… yeah, I hope so, sir.” He really hoped that was the right answer.
“I can only hope you treat her honourably. You know, she’s not just another notch in the old belt.” A distinct warning tone crept into Saxon’s voice.
“Oh no, no. Of course not, sir.” John prayed that Harold couldn’t tell he was lying.
Saxon nodded at this. “Good, good. Because that would make me very angry in ways you cannot possibly imagine. And I am a very powerful man.” He finished off his speech in a very serious voice.
John gulped; he was in deep trouble. “Right… yes, sir.”
Saxon smiled a purely shark-like smile, glad to see his warning was received. “Still, I wish we could get her off that mood medication. Oh well, see you downstairs for dinner.”
As Saxon walked away, John can only stare off into space, horrified at what he had just learned.