Word Count: 31,421
Prompt: Wedding Crashers
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others
Summary: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?
Warnings: Language and sexual scenes
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.
Jack and Ianto were well on their way to the tide pools when Grey finally noticed that his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. After a fruitless search of the rest of the house, he entered the living room to find Owen there on the couch watching the telly. “Hey Owen?” He started only to get waved off by the other man.
“Shh. I’m watching my stories.” Owen informed him while not taking his eyes of the show.
“I just need to know where Ianto is.” Grey told him tersely.
“He and that fellow went for a bike ride to the tide pools.”
Grey’s jaw clenched as he exited the room; he was too blinded by a slow building rage to notice the self-satisfied smirk that spread across Owen’s face.
After a leisurely ride across the island, during which the two men causally chatted like old friends, Jack and Ianto leaned their bikes against the trunk of a towering spruce when they reached the short bluff above the tide pools. When they get down the sand, Ianto dropped to the ground and took off his shoes and socks, which he rolled neatly and tucked down inside the shoes. Jack quickly followed suit, and then the two lay back and enjoyed a few minutes of soaking in the sun. The peace and quiet was broken only by the crash of waves against the nearby rocks and the raucous cries of the gulls overhead. To Jack, it was absolute heaven, and he would gladly have traded everything he owned to remain there forever, with Ianto.
Unbeknownst to them, back at the house Grey had found a spare bike and was struggling with its wobbly handlebars, broken seat and ungreased chain as he rode off in search of his boyfriend. Tosh happened to be looking out of John’s bedroom window and she giggled as she watched him. His bicycle had originally belonged to Ianto’s nanny; it was a woman’s bike complete with the wicker basket on the front, and from her vantage point, he looked very much like the mean old lady from the beginning of Wizard of Oz. She watched him nearly crash into the rose bushes at the end of the drive before returning to John’s bedside.
Jack and Ianto were goofing off and having a good time at the tide pools. They’d rolled up their trouser legs and had explored several tide pools, large and small, marvelling over the variety of life they contained. During their walk, they had been lucky enough to find several pieces of the sea glass, which Jack carefully tucked in his pocket as a souvenir of his afternoon with the man of his dreams. At one point, Ianto had captured a small crab and had chased Jack through the surf, waving it at him and laughing.
It took Grey nearly twice the time of their ride to get to the bluffs. He arrived just in time to find them at the end of a rather spirited water fight which ended with them in each other’s arms. Jack and Ianto’s eyes locked and suddenly, the rest of the world ceased to exist; there was only the two of them, their chests pressed together, the heat from their bodies, and the breath from their lips.
“So, would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?” Jack breathed out.
“Yes. A total cliché.” Ianto agreed as he pulled Jack into a long, searing kiss that left them both trembling from its intensity and grasping for breath. For a few moments, unable to speak, they just held each other, leaning their foreheads together. Jack was in sheer heaven; he’d just shared his first soul-jarring kiss with the man of his dreams.
Ianto, on the other hand, was in turmoil. He had never cheated on Grey before, not even in his mind, even though after knowing him for less than two days, Jack had already touched Ianto in ways Grey would never understand after nearly three years. He really, really wanted to kiss Jack again but Ianto’s inherent goodness brought with it a sense of guilt.
“Fuck!” Grey growled to himself before turning his bike around. ‘I need to do something to get rid of Jack and to remind everyone that Ianto is mine and mine alone.’
Reality of what he is doing hits Ianto and he broke away from the physical contact between them. “I can’t do this, Jack. I’m sorry.” He was not a cheater, he abhorred people who were, and no matter what feelings Jack may have stirred in him, Ianto was in a committed relationship with Grey. He just didn’t have it in him to betray his boyfriend.
Jack’s heart shattered as he watched Ianto hurry back up to the bluff, shove his feet back into his shoes, get on his bike and ride away from him, never once looking back. Unable to deal with just happened, Jack fell to his knees in the sand and stared out across the waves, ignoring the hot tears that burned behind his eyes.
It is not until dinner hour later that Jack managed to lay eyes on Ianto again, only for the other man to avoid all eye contact with him. In fact, Ianto seemed to go out of his way to avoid even standing near him.
Having observed Jack and Ianto’s lack of interaction with a barely hidden smirk of satisfaction, Grey climbed to his feet and tapped the side of his glass to gain everyone’s attention. When he was sure that all eyes were fixed on him, he said, “Ianto and I have an announcement to make. We were going to wait until Ace and Jake had returned from their honeymoon to tell all of you, but the spirit of this weekend is such that I can’t think of a better time to share our good news.” Grey looked Jack straight in the eye as he said, “Ianto and I are getting married.”
As everyone cheered and congratulated Grey, Jack could only stare in stunned hurt, while across the table from him, Ianto was looking completely confused. It didn’t take an astute observer to see that this was the first time he’d heard about their pending nuptials.
‘Wonderful!” Happiness filled Harold at his son’s good news. Grey was ruthless businessman who would make a prime addition to Harold’s political future.
“Wonderful!” Gwen slurred out having no clue as to what is going on. She drained her wine glass and held it out to Owen for her fourth refill.
“Grey, we need to talk about this.” Ianto muttered through gritted teeth. In his lap, his hands were clenched so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms.
“Well, I’m thrilled! Isn’t this wonderful, Owen?” Harold asked his faithful butler as he accepted a fresh daiquiri from the man.
Owen had to fight hard not to roll his eyes as he said in a very droll and insincere voice, “Oh, it’s a marriage made in heaven and blessed by the angels. Okay, who wants a sherbet?”
Tosh suddenly shot to her feet, beaming from ear to ear. “John and I have announcement to make, too. I’m going to be Mrs Smith!”
Perched gingerly atop several soft pillows John nearly fell of his seat. “What?!” He was totally bewildered, this was the first he ever heard of this. ‘What the hell was in those pain killers Owen gave me?’
Ianto seized the chance to leave the room as the guests began milling about, offering congratulations and martial advice to both Tosh and Grey. John pulled a clearly stricken Jack to the side. “Oh well, game over. Thanks for playing. Maybe they’ll have parting gifts. I’ll get my shirt and then we’re getting the hell out of here.”
“No,” Jack took a deep breath. “You know what? I’m gonna find Ianto and just tell him the truth.”
“The truth?! Okay. That might be a good call. You’re the exiled Prince of Arabia; you’ve rejected the throne…” John’s scheming was cut off by Jack.
“John! The actual truth.” Jack informed him.
“Huh…” John blinked at this. “Oh. Wow. Okay.” Then frustration took over. “Fine. Do whatever you want. Just do it quick, all right?” That was all Jack needed to hear before he bolted out the door, rushing after Ianto. John just shook his head and headed for the kitchen. His ass was really, hurting again.
Smiling at the kitchen staff, John grabbed a towel and filled it with ice from the freezer. With a sigh of relief, he then placed the makeshift ice pack on his wounded ass. The cook stifled a laugh before taking her leave. “It’s not funny!” John called after her petulantly before heading over to the table and carefully sitting down. And was his continuing luck of the weekend, of course his time alone was interrupted by the one person he didn’t want to see.
“There you are!” Tosh bounced merrily into the kitchen.
“Oh, hey, Tosh.” John greeted her in a defeated voice. Tosh opened up a magazine and shoves it in his face. “What’s that?” He blinked trying to focus on the too-close images before him.
“It’s a china pattern, silly. It’s called Midnight Marrakesh.” Tosh informed him with a giggle. “I think this will be our everyday china.”
“Oh. That’s really nice.” John didn’t know what else to say.
“Excellent! It’s sexy and you can eat off it. Just like me.” She winked at John before taking her leave.
Father Rhys Williams was the next person to enter and sees John’s dejected form slumped over the table. “Well, hello there,” he greeted the newly minted fiancé cheerfully.
“Oh, hello, Father.” John greeting back was total lack-lustre.
“Are you okay? You look troubled.” Rhys poured himself a large brandy as he took a seat next to John. “Marriage is a big step. You sure you’re ready?” The priest face was kind and his voice sincere.
John sighed deeply as he looked out the window at the garden; he was at the end of his rope. “I’d like to make a confession.”
“All right, son. I can hear your confession.”
“It’s all confidential, right?” John asked worriedly.
“It’s all confidential.” Rhys reassured John and that seemed to break the dam as John began to tell Rhys everything, his words pouring out in a torrent.
Grey was sitting in the living room with a few others talking about his plans for his upcoming wedding. When his cell phone rang a short time later, he was delighted to see that it was Vinnie and what he tells him makes Grey’s day.
Jack managed to catch up to Ianto as he was walking along the beach. “C’mon Ianto, wait up.” Jack called after the young man who was not halting his brisk pace. “So you’re marrying this guy, huh?”
That got Ianto to stop and he spun around to face Jack, an unreadable look on his face. “Is that what you want to know? Well, you heard it back at the house.”
“Look, you can’t marry him.” Jack took a step closer to Ianto; he didn’t hear the note of desperation in his voice.
“Why not?” There was something in Ianto’s voice that let Jack know he still had a chance at claiming his heart.
“Because I’m falling in love with you,” Jack blurted out the words and then winced; that wasn’t what he wanted to tell Ianto, but it was done. He had no way of knowing that at the very same moment, John was spilling the truth to Rhys back at the house.
Jack waited anxiously for Ianto to say something, anything, but the young man was facing the ocean. “Why are you doing this to me, Jack?” Ianto finally asked softly.
“Because I… But… you… maybe feel the same way?” Jack’s voice was just as soft, as if he were afraid that saying the words loudly would scare the answer away.
Ianto sighed, “Maybe.” At last, he turned around faced Jack. “Look, I don’t know anything about you. You do investments in Cardiff and…” Ianto was cut off by Jack.
“Well, see, that’s the other thing.” Jack knew that this was it, time to tell Ianto the truth. He felt his hear rate speed up and his mouth go dry as he struggled to find the right words, ones that would make him sound less the total piece of slime than he knew he was. He needed Ianto to understand that despite its rather unconventional start in life, their relationship would have a long and healthy life.
Sucking in a deep breath, Jack reached for Ianto’s hand, taking it in his own and gently brushing his thumb over the other man’s knuckles. “I have…” That was as far as he got with his confession. A gunshot rang out in the night, echoing into the distance, and both Jack and Ianto turned in the direction of the house.
“Dude! Run!” John’s panic-stricken voice filled the night. Jack and Ianto look up to see John running at them full-tilt, being chased by Harold, Gwen, Andy, Grey and Sylvia, who was holding a large shotgun in her boney hands. She was preparing to fire another round of buckshot at John’s back.
“You bastards! I’m gonna get you!” Harold roared into the air.
John caught up to Jack. “Get the fuck out of here! Run!” he shouted.
“What’s going on?” Jack asked as his friend sped by.
Not halting for an instant John shouted over his shoulder, “I spilled! I’m sorry. The priest told me it was confidential!”
“I’m sorry! Really! But God doesn’t pay the bills.” Rhys was following the hunting party at a slightly slower pace, and to his credit, he did indeed sound sorry.
Ianto was terribly confused and that showed in his voice. “Spilled what?” He looked at Jack, hoping for he would say something that made sense.
“Oh fuck! Look, Ianto, I need to tell you something quickly.” Jack started only he never got the chance to finish.
“They’re lawyers, Ianto. Those aren’t even their real names!” Grey shouted joyfully. He took an obscene amount of pleasure in telling his fiancé of Jack’s charade; he couldn’t have cared less about the hurt he was inflicting on Ianto. He was getting his revenge on Jack and in such a dramatic way that it was almost orgasmic and he couldn’t be bothered to think about anything else. He knew he’d been feasting on such a sweet dish for a long time to come.
Jack could not stand the hurt and betrayal pouring from Ianto’s eyes when he heard Grey’s words. “It’s not…” He was again interrupted by a shouting declaration.
“Jack felt my tits.” Gwen threw out spitefully. Son or not, she hated the fact that Jack had wanted Ianto and not her.
The shattered look on Ianto’s face completely broke Jack’s heart. “Ianto, you don’t understand!” Jack tried to plead with Ianto as the younger man turned away from him, Jack grabbed onto his arm to stop him from leaving.
“No, no, no! You son of a bitch!” Ianto was beyond upset by this point and he angrily wrenched his arm free.
Jack could see the blood-seeking family was almost upon him. More importantly he knew nothing he could say at that moment would penetrate the wall of hurt, angry silence that Ianto had erected. “I’ll explain later,” he promised before running off into the dark after John.
“God damn it, get him, mummy!” Harold cheered his mother on as she fired another round. Unfortunately, since there was no answering scream of pain, he knew she’d missed again.
Reaching the spot where Ianto stood, rooted to the ground Grey delivered the final blow. “They crash weddings in order to get laid,” he proclaimed gleefully. The little voice in the back of his head actually congratulated the two men on their ingenuity; it was a brilliant plan, one worthy of Grey himself.
“John was going to be my lover!” Andy shouted hysterically into the dark. “You’re not keeping my painting!”
“I forgive you, John! Come back!” Tosh shouted, rushing down the beach a few steps to stare after the fleeing men. Sylvia was still in the throes of an adrenalin rush and had just reloaded the shotgun. Fortunately for both her and Tosh, Harold was able to yank the barrel of the gun upwards and prevents his mother from shooting his weeping daughter in the back.
Jack and John continued to race down the beach, fear pushing them forward as everyone but Ianto and Tosh resumed their chase after them. Ianto wrapped his arm protectively around Tosh’s shoulders as the two of them stood broken-hearted on the beach.
Jack and John reached the ferry and managed to get onboard just as it was leaving. In frustration, Jack kicked at a bench before taking a seat on it and trying unsuccessfully to fight back the tears that had been threatening to fall from the moment he’d turned and run away from Ianto.
The weeks that followed found three heart broken people trying to deal with their pain and betrayal in their own ways.
Jack spent hours writing and rewriting mails a letter to Ianto, pouring out his heart to the young man. The day he dropped the envelope into the mailbox, he sent it along with a heartfelt prayer that Ianto would be able to forgive him.
The day Owen delivered the letter to him, Ianto felt a smile cross his face for the first time in ages, but the longer he looked at the envelope, the more the smile faded away. The memories of the happy afternoon he and Jack had spent at the tide pools and the lingering sensations of the kiss they had shared were completely overshadowed by the sense of betrayal he still felt.
It broke yet another piece of Ianto’s already shattered heart to send the letter back to Jack, unopened. He tried to get in the wedding spirit as Grey showed him ideas for the wedding that Grey wanted and the honeymoon that Grey wanted to take, but all he could think about was Jack.
Tosh wrote several letters to John, hoping he would read at least one. It broke her heart and brought many a tear to her eye as each letter was returned unopened.