Word Count: 31,421
Prompt: Wedding Crashers
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others
Summary: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?
Warnings: Language and sexual scenes
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.
Three weeks later
John’s head shot up as Jack came bouncing into his office with a paper in his hands. “John, I know how I can get to him.” Jack declared.
John shook his head sadly. “Give it up, Jack He returned all your letters; he won’t take your phone calls. He doesn’t want to see you, all right?” He pointed out the facts to his best friend.
“He doesn’t think he wants to see me. But trust me, he wants to see me. He just doesn’t know he wants to see me.” Jack’s reasoning made John’s head hurt.
“O-kay.” John figured it would be best to play along and find out what foolishness Jack had planned so he could save him from it later.
“They’re having an engagement party for Ianto tomorrow night at the beach club. We’re gonna be there.” Jack told John, excitement lacing his voice.
John heard one part of the plan he really did not agree with. “We’re? No.” John was not having anything more to do with the Saxon family. “No, absolutely not! Have you lost your fucking mind?!” He reached back and massaged his ass; he could still feel the pain of being shot.
“It’ll be okay, I promise.” Jack tried to reassure him.
“Look, Jack, his father is the bloody Minister of Defence. UNIT are gonna be everywhere. They’ll probably have posters with our pictures on them and orders to shoot to kill! There’s no way we can get in there.” John pointed out the flaws in Jack plan.
“Oh yes we can.” Jack had a gleam in his eyes that John hated.
The next day
Jack and John were standing at the rear of the restaurant at the beach club. “How’d you find out about this?” John asked his friend.
Jack merely smiled and gave a coded knock on the door. John’s eyes widened in surprise when Owen opened the door with a scowl. “Finally! Okay, I’ve got your uniforms.” John just stared at the Saxon butler in disbelief while Owen glared back at him. “What are you staring at?” Owen bristled. “Grey’s a tool.”
It didn’t take long for Jack and John to dressed as waiters. Jack was making the coffee while John stood close by, still glaring at his friend. Alonso, the dining room captain, walked into the kitchen and spotted them. “Table five needs their soup,” he told John.
“So? They’re not my table. I haven’t even started yet.” John didn’t see how this was his problem.
Alonso started turning red from the shock of John’s insolence; it took a moment for him to regain his composure. “Okay. Who am I?”
John shot Jack a strong look that promised dire retribution before answering Alonso in a more subdued tone. “You’re the captain.”
Alonso nodded his head. “Which makes me?” he prompted.
John gave an exasperated sigh. “Always right.”
“That’s right, sweet-cheeks. Now get table five their soups.” Alonso ordered, satisfied that his dominance had once again been exerted.
“Yes, captain.” John said through gritted teeth as he loaded two bowls of soup onto a tray and exited.
Alonso turned his attention to Jack. “And you? Are we working or are we just, oh, I don’t know, soaking in the atmosphere?”
“Yes, Captain. I’m making coffee. That’s my assignment, sir.” Jack hastened to tell him.
“I like your attitude. Let’s talk later.” Alonso winked suggestively at Jack and ran an appreciative eye over his backside before he returned to the banquet room.
John had reached the end of his rope as he dealt with the elderly couple at table five. “Fine, sir. I’ll get you the chowder instead.” John spoke in a very forced pleasant voice.
“The Boston chowder!” the elder man informs John.
“I know.” John should know, the man had said the same thing over and over again in the few minutes since he placed the bowls on their table.
“The white one, not the red one,” the man continued on.
“I said I know.” John snapped and set the bowls back on the tray and returned to the kitchen before he dumped the soup over the old fart’s head. Jack watched with a smile as his friend replaced the bowls of soup with fresh bowls of chowder, and one his way out, John gave him a one finger salute. Jack shook his head and followed John to the door so he could get a peek. A tiny frisson of fear coursed through Jack’s belly and he nearly cursed aloud at the sight of all the UNIT members there.
John was ready to commit murder as he was forced to deal with the couple at table five again. “You put ice in my water!” the woman cried.
“It’s ice water. That’s part of the deal.” John points out to her. “Don’t worry, the cubes are all free.”
“But I don’t want ice.” The woman’s whiney voice grated on John’s last nerve. “I don’t know why you would put ice in my water.”
“Because I’m not psychic?” When the woman scowled at him, baring yellow-stained teeth, John went for broke. “Okay, you don’t want ice?” John picked up her glass and took the ice out with his fingers. “There. No ice!” He slammed the glass back down on the table, followed by all three of the ice cubes had removed.
“I’m talking to the manager!” The woman was outraged and turned to her husband for support. Unfortunately for her, he was too busy enjoying his white Boston clam chowder to pay her any attention to her drama.
John didn’t really care what she did as he stomped off in search of Jack. The sooner he talked to Ianto, the sooner they could get out of this place. “Hurry up and talk to your eye-candy. I can only take about five minutes more of this shit.” John demanded when he found the man still peeking out through the door.
Jack scowls at the nickname for Ianto. “I’ve got to wait until he’s alone.”
“It’s an engagement party! Why would he be alone?” John asked; he was really beginning to wonder about his friend’s state of mind.
“He’s got to go to the bathroom sometime.” Jack stated.
Any reply John might have given Jack was cut off when Alonso entered. “Vera, may I have a word with you?”
Jack nudged John, reminding his friend that was the name he was going by and John sighed as he walked over to Alonso, who informed him that he must apologize to the couple at table five.
At that moment, Jack managed to catch a glimpse of Ianto and he was beautiful. Jack’s breath caught in his throat as he took in the sight of the man he loved. He noted with a frown that for someone celebrating his engagement, Ianto didn’t look overly thrilled to be there.
Having followed Alonso back to table five, John gave a cursory bow. “I’m deeply sorry for my offensive words and terrible attitude.” John lied right through his gritted teeth.
Jack continued peeking out the door and to his luck Ianto, without Grey, was heading towards the bathroom. Knowing that it might be his only opportunity to catch Ianto alone, Jack was just about to go after him when Alonso entered the room again. He started ranting to him about not drizzling something right and ruined Jack’s chances to speak to Ianto alone. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw Grey arrive at the restroom door to escort Ianto back to their guests. Jack was barely able to suppress his groan of defeat that rose in his throat.
John, having apologised to Alonso’s satisfaction, was once again dealing with table five. “I need a soup spoon.” The elder man complained, although his bowl was almost completely empty.
John could not believe the old man; he could see the soup spoon right there on the table, it even had traces of chowder on it. Realising that the man was messing with him now because he could, John finally had enough and he let his angry and pride take over. “What’s this?” He pointed to the spoon lying not two inches from the man’s hand.
“That is not a soup spoon.” The elder man acted as if he was talking to an idiot.
“Well it’s not a coke spoon!” John snarled back as he held up the various spoons from the table. “See? Teaspoon, tablespoon, soup spoon!”
“Now you’ve touched it! I need another!” The elder man yelled in shock. “A clean one!”
“Get it yourself, you decrepit old-money cocksucker!!” John finally blew up and the whole restaurant gasped and on the other side of the room, a waiter dropped his tray with a loud crash. John didn’t care as he continued yelling. “Does anyone else need anything? Because I’m gonna take my break,” he declared for everyone in the room to hear. As he turned to make his way back to the kitchen he was delayed by UNIT members rushing in to see what the problem was. They were followed quickly by Harold Saxon, Grey and Ianto, and they easily recognized John.
Tosh chose that moment to join the group and the moment her eyes landed on John she made as beeline for the man only to be stopped by her father, who pushed her into Ianto’s arms. “Take care of Tosh.” Harold ordered Ianto who was torn and he hesitated. If John was at the club, and dressed as a waiter of all things, then chances were that Jack was there also. “Do it, sweetheart. Please!” Ianto reluctantly nodded and escorted Tosh back into their private room.
John rushed into the kitchen. “Okay. We’re gonna want to run, now!” He announced even as he looked for the exit.
Before he had a chance to react, Grey ran into the kitchen followed by several members of UNIT. Jack groaned, “Oh, not again!”
“These are the guys I warned you about.” Grey informed the plain-clothes UNIT men who immediately grab John and Jack and prepared to drag them away. “No! Let me handle this!” Jack and John do not like the rather maniacal gleam in Grey’s eyes.
In the parking lot
Grey’s friend, Vinnie, held Jack’s arms pinned behind his back while Grey pummels him brutally, and another man forces John to kneel, making him unable to help Jack. Harold Saxon watched the proceedings with an unreadable look on his face.
“If I ever see either of you near my children again, I will have you arrested! I have that sort of power and I won’t hesitate to use it.” Harold warned them coldly before stalking off.
“One more, Grey, and then we have to finish up dinner.” Vinnie encouraged his friend. Grey slammed Jack in the gut with all his strength, and when Vinnie let him fall to the ground, writhing in pain, Grey spat on him before he and Vinnie followed Harold back into the restaurant. Jack and John are left in the shadows of the parking lot, battered and bruised.
Jack was finally able to sit himself up and he rubbed his jaw tenderly before spitting out blood. Jack looked up at John in disgust, as John dusts himself off. John looked as though he’d been merely roughed up a bit, where as Jack could feel knots and bruises forming all over his torso. Grey had definitely not held back his punches. “Nice job.” He muttered to the man he had always viewed as his friend. Now, bitter anger laced his voice and he had to fight the urge to punch John himself.
Knowing that their present condition was really his fault, John chose to hide his guilt with sarcasm. “Oh? You didn’t care for my performance as a waiter? Well then, don’t go to the fucking sequel! All right?” John winced as he watched Jack clamber slowly and painfully to his feet and take off his torn waiter’s jacket. He did the same, taking Jack’s from him and tossing them both under a nearby car. “Dude, look, he’s just not worth it.” John tried to placate his friend.
Jack stared at him in disbelief for a moment before shaking his head. “You know what you said about Lucia Moretti? Do you remember?”
“What?!” John had no idea where Jack was going with his trip down memory lane.
“Lucia Moretti? Your Junior Prom date?” Jack remind him.
“I know the story! I’ve to remind you of the story!” John quickly pointed out.
“Lucia Moretti was cheating on you with every guy in high school! You were in love with her! She broke your heart!” Jack yelled loudly, warming to his topic.
“Are you fucking high? That was fifteen years ago!” John refused to admit that Jack was right. Even a decade and a half later, the memory of Lucia’s betrayal still burned.
“Lucia Moretti was your first love and she broke your heart! And because you had to be the man, because we all have to be the fucking man, all you had to say about it was ‘she’s just not worth it.’ Remember? That was all you ever said, even though I knew better!” Jack ignored the pain in his gut as he continued to shout at John.
“Okay, I think you have a concussion.” John tried to quiet him down.
“Problem was you couldn’t move on from Lucia. And since then, none of them have been worth it! Right, John?!”
“You’re an asshole.” John held back from wanting to punch Jack.
“And now, because of that, because you got your heart broken, we all have to pay the price!” Jack roared at him.
“What price is that, Jack?” John truly wanted to know.
“Not growing up! Okay?! Pissing away our fucking lives living by some idiotic dumb-ass rules! Not growing up, Jo...” Jack was cut off by John, who was tired of all the blame being placed on him.
“You could’ve opted out anytime, my friend! Nobody held a gun to your head! This life, crashing weddings, picking up men and women, this life fits you perfectly. And you know why? Because you’re a chronic lair.” John snarled, getting right up into Jack’s face.
“Fuck you.” Jack hissed dangerously, fist clenched at his sides.
“See, crashing weddings, pretending to be someone you’re not in order to get laid. You don’t do that in spite of who you are. You do that because of who you are!” John spoke passionately. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s a compliment. You’re a genius at bullshit. That’s why you’re so good in the court room. And that is why you’re so good at crashing weddings. It’s. Who. You. Are.”
Jack shook his head sadly. He was exhausted and in pain, and there was nothing left for him inside. “I’m outta here.” Jack started to walk away but something made him stop and without turning around, he asked, “All those weddings we went to over the years. Didn’t you ever once look at how happy the newlyweds were and wonder what that would be like?”
“No.” John answered.
“I feel sorry for you.” Jack started to walk away again only for John to grab his arm.
“At least I know who I am, motherfucker! You? Hell, you can talk about love until you’re blue in the face. But in the end, you still have to wake up as Jack,” John reminded his friend.
Jack clenched his fist again and was about to belt him, but instead, he took a deep breath and backed off. “You know what? You’re not worth it.” Jack turned away from his friend of nearly twenty years and disappeared into the night.